Smackdown is Riv – 5-18-2012
18May
It’s that time again, for Smackdown – and the final show before the Over the Limit Pay-Per-View, which right now could probably use a little more hype, and a couple more matches. WWE Signature starts the show followed by a recap of RAW this week where we were told that if John Laurinaitis loses to John Cena at the Pay-Per-View, he is fired – also nobody can interfere or they will be immediately fired, so he won’t be able to hide behind David Otunga or anbybody else.
Laurinaitis kicks off the show. Usually he is smiling and waving but tonight he’s walking around with a face like he tried to get some sex and was told no because “she’s on her period.” Laurinaitis tells us he disagrees with the decision of the board and they have restricted the way he would compete with John Cena and are leading a lamb to slaughter. That’s not fair. John Laurinaitis says he’s approaching 40 years old and not as strong as he used to be – Hey, Johnny? Being 40 was 6 years ago. He asked the Board to change their minds and they said “no.” He now asks the WWE universe to get behind him and asks that the crowd please say a prayer for Big Johnny before bedtime. Suddenly the Cult of Personality starts playing.
The WWE Champion CM Punk, who rarely appears on Smackdown is here, probably to insult and humiliate John Laurinaitis. Punk is the guy who probably should carry Laurinaitis in an authority-vs-anti-authority feud but WWE doesn’t want another Austin-McMahon so they’ll just have Cena do the heavy lifting with Punk occasionally out here to tell Laurinaitis what a piece of shit he is. CM Punk says he’s not a praying guy but he HAS been praying, and so have all the guys in the back and the fans and everyone around the world – and those prayers have been answered in the form of a fair match against John Cena that will result in John Laurinaitis being fired. Punk wishes Laurinaitis the best of luck in his future endeavors and says there will be partying in the streets all week once Laurinaitis is gone. Punk then reads Laurinaitis the riot act about the Big Show. This is because Big Show and CM Punk used to be bald homies together:
They just looked like a really weird bald gay couple that likes to match, or some Howie Mandel fanatics or something. Punk is infuriated about this (which by the way will probably end with Big Show turning heel and joining Big Johnny to save his job). Laurinaitis reminds Punk he isn’t fired and can make any match he wants any time he wants as the General Manager of both shows so he’s putting Punk against Kane tonight. CM Punk says that he is concerned about the match but he’s a man so he’s not going to run and cry to the Board of Directors but its ok because next week Punk will still be the WWE champion and John Laurinaitis will be in the unemployment line. Punk takes his leave.
Laurinaitis snaps and says he has been fair to the people in his decisions and the harder he works the more this crowd craps all over him. He blames the people for their actions and supporting what CM Punk and John Cena do and say against him. He detests these people. YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU! Laurinaitis says that they can all GO TO HELL. Well, so much for PEOPLE POWER.
We are reminded Sheamus and Randy Orton will go one on one tonight because they tension between them (no not sexual tension you sick freaks) has become too much to handle and these two keep RKOing and Brogue Kicking each other anyway. After a Make-A-Wish commercial for John Cena, we get Boring Boom.
This team sucks. They need to be gangbanged by a group of makeover specialists. These guys seriously have no personality. Kofi just sort of “exists,” and R-Truth speaks to people that DON’T exist. I should remind you their Pay-Per-View match is going to be against Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger. That’s hideous. I refuse to care on the grounds it involves Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston again – a match that has happened 8,999,436 times. Do you know what Kofi Kingston does when he’s not wrestling Dolph Ziggler? He wrestles Jack Swagger. Needless to say no shits are given about this match – also none of these guys have bothered to grab a microphone during this feud and Boring Boom hasn’t lost in singles or tags to any of them since they got the belts. It’s like Kofi Kingston has Gameshark on.<P.
The opposing team for Kofi Kingston and R-Truth involve the “Much More Interesting Black Tag Team” of Titus O’Neil and Darren Young who have been on a roll as of late too. Since this is non-title they definitely need the win – and also so that they can dance some more just like this:
MOVE GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT THAT’S RIGHT! MOVE GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT MOVE MOVE MOVE GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT!
Darren starts off all over R-Truth but Truth quickly tags Kingston in who begins to run Young down and take Titus down for good measure. Darren finally manages to hit a side suplex on the apron to slow Kofi’s momentum. It’s time to cue 10-12 minutes of Kofi getting beaten up before the “hot tag” to R-Truth. R-Truth drops Darren with his finisher and Boring Boom gets a win that did nothing other than kill the momentum of Titus O’Neil and Darren Young for no reason. Also this means that Kofi and R-Truth have literally not lost this Pay-Per-View period.
No, no thank you.
That is better. Sandow says nothing. He simply gives Zack Ryder a look of disgust and leaves, which is what I do every time Ryder is on my television as well. Sandow is on the way to the ring for a singles match against Yoshi Tatsu but Sandow is on the mic and reminds us he is here to help all of us. It is his duty, nay, his passion to set us free from the chains of ignorance and he wants to bring us an Era of Enlightenment. He reminds us that he rejected a match with Derrick Bateman but finds himself in that same vexing scenario with Yoshi Tatsu this evening. He claims that Yoshi Tatsu is an unworthy opponent. Sandow cannot and will not deman himself by engaging this ignoramus this evening. He does this for the benefit and well-being of all of you. YOU’RE WELCOME. Sandow begins to take his leave but Yoshi Tatsu gets on the microphone and says “Sandow is CHICKEN.” Yoshi begins dancing, and Sandow disrobes revealing loud pink tights as he ambushes Yoshi Tatsu and drills his head into the turnbuckle repeatedly. Sandow begins kneeing Yoshi Tatsu in the face repeatedly and drops him with a neckbreaker.
Those are some loud, almost effeminate tights for an “intellectual savior.”
I almost half expect them both to kill Striker with those facial expressions on. Striker decides to ask them about their match tonight. Sheamus is looking forward to showing the type of champion he is – he’s a hothead but he harnesses it in the ring and that’s why he’s a World Champion… unlike “some people” (see also: Randy Orton). Orton says he was so overconfident once that he looked like an idiot. He knows better now and knows he can win the World Title without even beating the World Champion but there’s nobody in the match he’d rather beat more. Sheamus says he’s glad one of the opponents had the guts to say it to his face and he could Brogue Kick him in the face right now but he won’t because he’s “such a nice guy.” Orton responds with “unlike me you ARE a nice guy and we both know where nice guys finish.” Good promo work from both men. I enjoyed that. What I don’t enjoy is the fact Zack Ryder is out for a singles match. This guy’s push has become a joke. The reaction Ryder once got is greatly diminished. You can see the crowd not moving and hear the amplified crowd noise. Ryder’s got a singles match against Daniel Bryan.
YES.
I don’t know what it is but “YES” hasn’t gotten old to me. I think it’s because of the fact it caught on so seemingly unintentionally. When Daniel Bryan first started yelling it before and after matches it was ridiculously funny and somehow is aging well, at least to me. The crowd loves YES way more than they love some “Woo Woo Woo” shit. Bryan delivers a stiff uppercut to Ryder and drops a knee on his head then quickly goes for a cover but Ryder kicks out at two. Ryder tries to fight out of the corner and gets hit with another European uppercut. Zack Ryder drops Daniel Bryan face-first to the mat, stunning him but a kneelift puts Bryan back in control. Daniel Bryan throws three YES shouts into the air before hitting a running dropkick in the corner. Cover and a two count by the former World Heavyweight Champion. Bryan now begins to work on the arm of Zack Ryder behind his arm on the mat. Bryan is slowing the face down and clearly softening Ryder up for the YES Lock. Ryder manages to knee Daniel Bryan in the head in the corner and hit a missile dropkick. He goes for the Broski Boot, misses, and gets kicked in the fucking head. YES LOCK applied. YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
YES.
Vote for Ron Paul…or Kane will kill you. I am not making that up – Kane is in fact a supporter of Ron Paul. The extreme up-close of Kane is just to remind us that he’s got a match against CM Punk. Daniel Bryan will be giving us guest commentary. Kane’s opponent at Over the Limit is Zack Ryder, who Bryan just murdered. This should be interesting more for Bryan’s commentary. I like Kane and I like CM Punk but I don’t know if they have much chemistry. Bryan tells us that he’s known Punk ten years and the first time he met CM Punk the man had a fractured skull. Daniel Bryan points out that the YES LOCK is more devastating than CM Punk’s Anaconda Vice. Daniel Bryan says he knows well over 100 submission holds, more than anyone in the WWE (doesn’t Chris Jericho have 1,004?), but in all seriousness Bryan knows that many ways to make you tap and was rated the best submission wrestler in WWE history. Kane powers Punk into the corner but Punk fights out. CM Punk clotheslines Kane to the outside but Kane lands on his feet. Punk pauses to stare at his Over the Limit opponent, Daniel Bryan, as we hit commercials. We come back and Punk drops Kane with a DDT and goes for a cover. Knee to the leg of Kane and Punk locks in a figure four. Kane manages to kick CM Punk to the outside. Bryan says that CM Punk has outsmarted Kane through most of this match and he is the best in the world until Sunday when Daniel Bryan beats him for that title. It’s interesting that Bryan is not shitting on Punk but showing a legitimate respect for Punk as Kane sends Punk ribs first into the ringpost which makes Daniel Bryan think about how he can target the ribs for Sunday which he is sure won’t heal. Kane begins targeting the ribs with repeated shoulderblocks to the midsection in the corner. Backbreaker to Punk by Kane. Kane is destroying CM Punk in the ring. Daniel Bryan points out that he has great respect for Punk because they walked the same path struggling on the independent scene to make it here to the WWE and this Sunday they’re going to battle it out to see who really the best in the ring is. Punk escapes the chokeslam attempt and hits a swinging neckbreaker to take Kane down. Punk now hits the patented running knee to the corner and is about to follow with his bulldog. Kane has it scouted. Punk kicks Kane in the face, jumps to the second rope and hits the bulldog regardless. Punk goes for a cover and gets a two. As Kane kicks out Punk springboard clotheslines Kane and goes for another cover. He gets another two count. CM Punk lifts Kane up for the GTS but Kane boots Punk in the face. Kane goes for a cover now. 2 count. Kane drags Punk to the corner and sets him up for a super-plex. Punk knocks Kane off of him and goes for the Flying Elbow Drop. Kane kicks out but Punk holds on and tries to lock in an Anaconda Vice. Kane escapes and drops Punk with the sidewalk slam. Cover by Kane now but he only gets a two. Now it’s Kane who goes to the top rope for his flying clothesline which connects. Kane sizes Punk up for a second chokeslam but Punk manages to kick Kane in the head which causes Kane to fall outside. CM Punk hits the suicide dive on Kane to the outside. Bryan stalks out of the commentary booth and is about to hit Punk with a chair but turns around and hits Kane instead and then runs away. Kane didn’t see it and Punk has the chair in hand so Kane takes this out on the WWE Champion and begins beating on him with a steel chair. Daniel Bryan has set CM Punk – it’s crafty, effective, and a total dick move – which is why I love Daniel Bryan, who watches the carnage from the ramp, pleased with himself.
YES.
NO! I don’t even have to shit on Santino. The face he’s making in his VS screen photo against Cody Rhodes says it all. It says “Hey, I’m a flaming goof who has no business holding a wrestling title.” I wish Cody Rhodes still carried paper bags – nay – I wish he carried plastic bags so he can put one around the head of Santino and cause him to die by asphyxiation. I refuse to even call this match because I was already spoiled earlier in the week and told Cody Rhodes loses, and I refuse to watch Santino Marella for as long as he doesn’t have a finishing move other than the COBRA. He makes a few jokes on the split screen that imply he has sex with the United States championship but they’re not funny. Nothing Santino does as a face will ever top Santino as a heel claiming that Goldust, Honkey Tonk Man and Roddy Piper are what happens when you do drugs while pregnant, wanting to wrestle Tom Hanks with AIDS in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, stealing Jerry Lawler’s lunch after slapping him in the face, or telling Maria all sorts of lies so he can fuck her. THAT GUY was great. THIS GUY is a sack of shit. Michael Cole puts Booker on the spot and asks him what’s more prestigious – the US or Intercontinental Title. Booker tries to evade the question since his “I’m a WCW Guy” instincts probably makes him want to say the US title. But he also probably realizes Vince McMahon is listening to this so after some pushing he says it’s the “Intercontinental Belt.” If he had said US belt, I’m pretty sure Vince would have sodomized his wife.
Cody Rhodes jobs to the cobra. FUCK SANTINO AND IF YOU LIKE HIM FUCK YOU TOO. We get to watch Big Show get fired again.
It’s already time for Randy Orton vs. Sheamus. This match is going to go long then. I also have my money on interference towards the end by Alberto Del Rio and Sheamus. This is a decent match with great crowd reaction since both men are fan favorites. I think Orton is a little bit more popular than Sheamus though because most women want to fuck Randy Orton whereas most women don’t want to have sex with a ghost. I’m not going to move-for-move this match. Orton eventually sizes Sheamus up for the RKO but Sheamus defeats Orton with a roll-up reversal from an RKO attempt to get a clean win over The Viper (this was needed as Sheamus needs a lot of clean victories to legitimize himself as the World Heavyweight Champion). Orton is shocked and cannot believe he has lost – and props to WWE for not having interference by Alberto Del Rio and Chris Jericho. Sheamus and Orton stare down after the match and Orton extends his hand to Sheamus. Sheamus isn’t falling for it at first. Reluctantly he does.
Remember what Randy Orton said about “being a nice guy?”
THE RKO OUT OF NOWHERE!
Nice guys: They end up face down, ass up, and somebody’s bitch.
